Satire: Climate Change Denier Named EPA Chief, Promises “Innovative Approach” to Environmental Policy

With decades of experience doubting science, the new EPA head assures Americans that environmental oversight will now focus on imagination, optimism, and unchecked confidence

Natalie C. Frank Ph.D October 10, 2025

Mitch McConnell, member of new EPA task force; Gage Skidmore/flickr [CC BY-SA 2.0]

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what administration officials are calling “a bold new approach to environmental stewardship,” the White House announced today that a prominent climate change skeptic has been appointed head of the Environmental Protection Agency. The new chief, whose name is currently being withheld until they can transfer him to his new safety bunker home, has spent decades publicly questioning the very existence of global warming. He has assured reporters that the planet is in "perfectly fine shape", aside from what he described as “dramatic, scientifically unverified panic.” Only the President, and members of the new EPA task force who will be working with the new chief have been told his identity.

During a press briefing, he presented his plan for the agency. “We are entering an era where facts are flexible, projections are optional, and optimism is our most important renewable resource,” he said, adjusting his tie with the tranquil precision of someone who has long relied on certainty that defies evidence. “From now on, our environmental policies will be grounded in creative thinking, creative statistical models, and a firm belief that icebergs are probably just taking a long vacation.”

Staff within the EPA expressed cautious curiosity about what this “imaginative” new leadership would mean in practice. Sources indicate that weekly meetings will now include brainstorming sessions with prompts like, “If we accept that the polar bears and arctic seals are fine, what else might just be fine that everyone insists is a problem?” "Can we reduce CO2 by asking countries cutting down the Amazon forest to stop, while promising to put up CO2 monitors throughout the area?" and “Can we reduce emissions simply by asking factories to promise not to emit?”

Environmental advocates, meanwhile, have responded with muted applause for his optimism, though many expressed concern that optimism may not substitute for action. “I appreciate the confidence,” said one scientist, “but I am not sure that telling the ocean it is doing a great job will prevent it from rising.”

The EPA chief’s early initiatives reflect his unorthodox approach. One proposed policy would redefine air quality standards as “subjective perceptions of smell,” while another suggests that carbon emissions be measured on a scale of “feeling warm” rather than parts per million. A department memo reportedly instructed regional offices to submit “visionary projections” instead of actual data, leaving some employees wondering if spreadsheets are now optional.

Asked about global warming, the new chief emphasized that climate models are “probably overcomplicated” and that the only model he trusts is his own gut. “I’ve always felt that if it were really that bad, someone would have mentioned it in a more inspiring way,” he said. “We intend to take a positive, forward-looking approach to environmental responsibility. If the planet melts, well, look at it as making room for better beachfront property.”

"We are pioneering sustainable imagination, a resource as underutilized as common sense in certain academic circles," the new Chief said.

In a demonstration of his commitment to these principles, the chief unveiled plans for a solar-powered office garden featuring artificial trees. “These trees never need watering, never get sick, and provide all the oxygen anyone could ever dream of,” he explained proudly.

When someone asked where the oxygen comes from if they're fake, he replies somewhat haughtily, "Didn't I say they're solar powered? So, that would mean the sun. Didn't you take science in school? A quick review - The sun provides the energy for photosynthesis, and that's how plants make oxygen.“

The individual who'd asked the question looked like he might follow-up, perhaps pointing out that the process of photosynthesis only works with live plants not fake ones, but then apparently thought better of it.

Political analysts note that the appointment is consistent with the administration’s broader messaging strategy, which emphasizes faith over data and optimism over caution. “It’s a fresh way to approach policy,” said one commentator, who almost lost his job after initially vehemently criticizing picking a denier for the head of the EPA. “Who needs peer-reviewed studies when you can rely on intuition and newsletters from enthusiastic hobbyists?" the commentator added.

Despite skepticism from traditional environmental watchdogs, the new EPA chief has garnered support among certain business groups and industry insiders. “Finally, someone who understands that compliance shouldn’t be about regulations, but about positive vibes,” said a representative from the petrochemical sector. “It’s refreshing to see leadership that values confidence over numbers.”

Public reaction has been predictably divided. Social media platforms have erupted with memes featuring the administrator hugging polar bears, giving pep talks to melting glaciers, and presenting awards to factories for “Effort in Emissions.” Others have adopted a more cautious stance, pointing out that optimism alone cannot reduce methane emissions, prevent deforestation, or keep wildfires from advancing through timber land and residential areas.

When asked how he plans to address pressing environmental crises such as rising sea levels, extreme weather, and biodiversity loss, the new EPA chief responded with characteristic subtlety: “We plan to address them by not overthinking them. What goes up must come down. Nature is resilient. If it weren’t, it wouldn’t still be here, right?”

White House officials assured the public that the agency will continue to function, albeit in a reimagined form. “We see this as an opportunity to rebrand environmental policy for the modern era,” a senior aide explained. “Data and evidence are still welcome, but creativity, confidence, and a can-do spirit will now be central to every decision. It's the "think outside the box" idea where the box is the constraints put on us by all those numbers and spread sheets.”

Meanwhile, a group of junior analysts within the EPA is reportedly experimenting with “positive projections only” dashboards, replacing graphs of rising temperatures with rainbow-colored charts showing “potential happiness metrics.” One employee noted, “It’s surreal. We’re effectively measuring hope instead of carbon. Somehow, it feels both empowering and terrifying.”

Critics warn that the administration’s unorthodox approach may have real-world consequences. Rising global temperatures, more frequent storms, and widespread habitat loss could soon challenge the new philosophy of imagination-based oversight. Still, the new chief remains undeterred, stating, “We are confident that if anyone can make the environment feel better, it is us. Optimism is, after all, the most underused tool in government.”

As the conference concluded, the chief made a statement encouraging citizens to focus on solutions they can visualize. “If we all collectively imagine a healthier planet,” he said, smiling, “it’s only a matter of time before we convince it to comply. If you put positive energy out there, you will get positives back. Previous administrations put out nothing but negative energy. So all they saw was negatives. It's all in the way you look at it."

While the long-term impacts of his leadership remain uncertain, one thing is clear: the EPA has entered a bold, optimistic, and thoroughly imaginative new era. Whether that era will be remembered for innovation or irony may depend entirely on the melting glaciers’ opinion, which, as of press time, have yet to respond.

Members of the New EPA Taskforce

Chief Administrator:

TBA

Members:

• Donald Trump, President

• Mitch McConnell, former Senate Minority Leader

• Ted Cruz, Texas Senator

• James Inhofe, former Senator from Oklahoma

• Sarah Palin, former Governor of Alaska

• Rick Perry, former U.S. Energy Secretary

• Myron Ebell, Associated with Competitive Enterprise Institute the conservative think tank Ebell has been called a "superstar of the Denialosphere"

• Will Happer, Princeton physicist, claims the impact of CO2 is vastly overstated. When he

testified to Congress he compared the anti-CO2 movement to prohibitionists. 

John Clauser, the famous physicist who works in Quantum Mechanics and has publicly denied the reality of climate change, was originally on the list. However, when Trump learned he'd won a Nobel Prize in Physics (not a Nobel Peace Prize), he had security drag the physicist out of the Oval Office and physically throw him out of the White House.

When asked about this, Trump replied angrily, "I don't care what his stupid prize was for! Until they give me the Peace Prize that everyone everywhere agrees I deserve, no one who has ever won a Nobel anything will step foot inside the White House, get an audience with me or anyone in my administration or be invited to any event I will be attending. It's an offense. One of the greatest offenses I can imagine."