SATIRE: National Avocado Shortage Leads to Emergency Toast Rationing

Millennials across the country brace as beloved brunch staple vanishes, prompting creative DIY solutions, and a black-market for avocados

Natalie C. Frank, Ph.D July 21, 2025

Marco Verch [CC BY 2.0]

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a plot twist no one saw coming, the cherished avocado—icon of brunch menus and Instagram feeds—has vanished from grocery shelves nationwide, throwing millennials into a full-blown avocado panic. In response, the National Toast Council (NTC) has officially declared a "Toast Rationing Emergency."

What’s Happening

A sudden cold snap in key avocado-growing regions has decimated harvests, leading to supply shortages that have homeowners wondering if their beloved guacamole days are numbered. Social media is flooded with empty-hand pancake casualties and desperate pleas #avocadogone.

Government Steps In

In a press conference yesterday, the Secretary of Produce proclaimed, “This is not a drill. We are deploying federal emergency toast protocols. No more avocado beyond 2 tablespoons per person per week.” She clarified that while bread remains plentiful, it won’t be fully stocked until next week’s grain shipment from Kansas.

Carol Anne Smith a brunch aficionado said, "It's like what you hear the old wars were like. Victory gardens and all that. But we don't want to have to learn how to grow our own tomatoes. We want the government to do whatever it has to, to make whatever deal is needed, heck, trade one of those unpopulated states like South Dakota if that's what it takes. Just get us our avocados back at a reasonable price."

Brian Moli, president of the AUSSA (American Union to Save and Supply Avocados), added his criticism. "I mean did the government even think for two seconds before pissing off all of Central and South America?"

Creative Alternatives

Left to their own devices, avocado-lovers are experimenting with unconventional substitutes. Avocado smoothie bowls topped with spinach (dubiously dubbed “Greenscado”), mashed green peas, and even blended kiwi have popped up on brunch tables, and TikTok.

One daring home cook mashed boiled asparagus as “asparcado,” claiming it “tastes like nature, but regret-free.”

The reality however, appears to be that there is just no substitute for the avocado. "All that other stuff takes like those gross "through a bunch of disgusting tasting vegetables into the bender" green smoothies," said Eveline Spelt. "No one likes any of it but we have to pretend because no one would would be caught dead having brunch without some kind of green paste on their plate."

In a related story, veterinary hospitals around the country have reported a large spike in sick dogs being brought in. Apparently, one way millennials have of getting rid of the new green experiments is to sneak it under the table to the dog. When there is a large table of people, and only one or two of them brought dogs, those dogs are responsible for eating everything snuck under the table. As a result, dogs everywhere are getting sick and engorged to the point they must have their stomachs pumped to save them.

Black Market Thrives

In certain upscale neighborhoods, whispers of a "Lavender Avocado" black market are swirling. The NTC warns against purchases through unverified channels—though that hasn’t deterred a growing underground economy.

At one clandestine meet-up in Brooklyn, conspiratorial chatter “It’s our bread and butter… or rather, our bread and avocado,” lingered until one street vendor was overheard promising “Hass in a flash, no questions asked.”

Viral Reactions

Stand-up comedians are having a field day: “Avocados, the only green thing so important we’d ration it, but still not as important as toilet paper,” mused one late-night host.

In his show, another quipped, "‘Scientists warn that without avocados, millennials may be forced to buy homes.’”

What You Can Do

NTC guidelines encourage citizens to:

• Embrace veggie spreads like hummus or sweet potato mash. They promise you'll get used to it.

• If you just can't tolerate alternative spreads, ask cafes politely for “nothing, please," the official phrase for plain toast.

• Consider carrying your own jar of ethically sourced guac to avoid withdrawal. If you choose to do this however, be careful. In large cities like Chicago, thieves have gone from stealing catalytic converters to holding people up and demanding all their avocado. Law enforcement has stated, that if you are the victim of such a holdup, to give over whatever avocado products you have on you without hesitation or argument. "These thieves mean business, and many are jonesing for the greenstuff, You don't want to get on the bad side of a Avohead in withdrawal," said New York City's Police Chief.

The Bigger Picture

Economists advise that this shortage could revive the grain bowl, but millennials aren’t happy.

“I grew up with this avocado dependency,” confessed one tearful bruncher. “How do I face life without my daily green slice?”

Another said, "What am I, a character in Grapes of Wrath? That was like 200 years ago and I for one have no intention of going back to it. Plus, who needs all those carbs?"

Meanwhile, bread producers are trying to capitalize on the chaos, marketing “Sturdy Sourdough: not your avocado toast, but good enough.”

Bottom line: If your brunch depends on a smooth green smear, brace yourself, you may soon be your own pantry’s toast diplomat, pleading, "Can I have just one slice more?"