Satire: U.S. Government Shaken Up as All Officials and Citizens Randomly Assigned to Political Parties

From Congress to the Supreme Court, everyone gets a new party, as officials aim to restore authentic discourse in America and get rid of "us vs. them" politics

Natalie C. Frank, Ph.D August 31, 2025

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In a move that has stunned political analysts, election officials announced that every citizen and every government official across the executive, legislative, and judicial branches will now be randomly assigned to one of four political parties: Democrat, Republican, Independent, or Green. Each party will have equal numbers such that no individual party has all the power. The initiative, officials insist, is intended to dismantle the toxic two-party system that has made American politics a perpetual cycle of “us versus them, country be damned.”

Under this radical plan, not only will voters be reassigned to new parties, but every elected and appointed official, including senators, governors, Cabinet members, and even Supreme Court justices, will have their party affiliation randomized. The goal is simple: To create a balanced system in which authentic discourse, compromise, and negotiation can return to a government long plagued by ideological entrenchment.

“It’s not just about citizens,” said the Election Commissioner. “Our institutions themselves are broken. When the branches of government are all aligned with entrenched factions, democracy stops functioning. Randomization across all levels forces collaboration, debate, and accountability.”

Additionally, although there are four plus parties in the U.S. it always comes down to a battle between the Republicans and the Democrats. Government has become the Republicans voting against anything from the Democrats and the Democrats returning the favor. It doesn't matter what it is or if it's good for the country or not. They likely don't even know what they're voting against since it doesn't matter. The only things that matter is what party they are and what party the legislation was introduced by. It will now become a four party system with the possibility of adding other parties in the future.

The plan also introduces a Friendship Brigade, a subcommittee tasked with sending apology letters to every nation the U.S. has wronged, through threats, war, taxation, or general historical nastiness. The letters will also cover public mockery of cultural standards or choice of clothing worn to the White House, along with any actions taken purely out of spite or revenge or just because they weren't liked that day. Officials describe this as a necessary step in restoring the moral authority of the nation. Once the apology letters have been sent, they will be followed with phone calls and if it is deemed safe at that time, members will be deployed to deliver the apology in person and attempt to restore relations.

For many Americans, being randomly assigned to the Independent or Green Party comes as a shock. For Supreme Court justices, who have historically aligned with ideological blocs, the reassignment is disorienting. “I’ve spent decades considering the Constitution through a conservative lens,” one justice admitted. “Now I’m a Green Party member. I think I might have to recuse myself from climate cases for a while, until I can get my head in the game.”

The legislation ensures that all government bodies, from city councils to Congress to the presidency, maintain proportional representation across the four parties. Every official will now be responsible for working with colleagues whose views may clash violently with their own. Advocates argue this will break the perpetual gridlock and allow for real debate rather than performative obstruction such a gerrymandering.

“Randomizing party affiliation across all branches of government is audacious, yes,” one legal expert said, “but it’s also the only way to counter decades of ideological warfare that has made the nation incapable of self-governance. By forcing collaboration, we give democracy a chance to survive.”

The Friendship Brigade’s first task will be to draft letters to countries that have been threatened, taxed unfairly, invaded, or simply mocked. This includes nations insulted for dress, diplomacy, or even just being on the wrong side of a political bet. Officials say this project is “crucial to showing the world we can behave ethically again, even if randomly assigned partisanship remains chaotic at home.”

Critics worry about the consequences of randomization. How can a Department of Justice official assigned to the Green Party prosecute corporate crimes when they involve poisoning the environment for profit? What happens when the president is suddenly a Democrat surrounded by Republican Cabinet members? Officials respond that navigating these absurdities is precisely the point. Democracy, they argue, has been stagnant for too long. Randomization forces negotiation, understanding, and true debate which are the very principles the system has long abandoned.

Whether this unprecedented experiment will succeed is uncertain. But as officials prepare to redistribute party affiliation like lottery tickets, one thing is clear: after decades of tribalism, the United States is finally taking bold, if absurd, steps to restore a government capable of working for the people rather than the parties themselves.